By Toby Moore
For Capital Region Independent Media
If you like to gripe, you’ll say about me, “He’s just writing this column to complain about people who like to gripe! He’s just a complainer in disguise!” So true—I’m basically undercover in the world of whiners, taking notes on the art of pointless moaning.
Call it gripe-ology, if you will.
Larry Longsigh was a hard worker by most standards but never seemed content, no matter how well things went for him. Every situation, no matter how fortunate, was met with a complaint. When he won a free vacation in a raffle, he sighed, “Now I’ll have to deal with the hassle of packing and airports.” When his friends threw him a surprise birthday party, instead of being grateful, he grumbled, “Why didn’t they ask me first? I hate surprises.” Even when his health improved after a long recovery, Larry found a way to moan, “Great, now I have no excuse to take it easy.” Nothing could make him happy!
Some people gripe with just cause, and others gripe.
Larry visited the same café every morning and, without fail, grumbled, griped and complained about everything.
“Why are the napkins folded this way? They’re too neat!” “The muffins are too… muffiny.” One day, he grumbled, “This sunlight coming through the window? Too bright. Can’t someone turn it down?”
At first, the other customers tried to ignore him, but soon, one by one, they started to leave in the most exaggerated ways. One woman put down her coffee, sighed dramatically, and crawled out the door on all fours like escaping a war zone. Another man threw his hands in the air, yelled, “I can’t take this anymore!” and moonwalked out, never breaking eye contact with Larry. Finally, the barista, tired of it all, slowly slid out from behind the counter, tiptoed to the door, and quietly locked it behind her as she left.
If you must gripe to be happy, for goodness sake, do it quietly so as not to disturb others!
Once, Larry Longsigh was in his driveway, determined to assemble an exercise bike he’d ordered online. The moment he opened the box, disaster struck.
“Why are there so many parts? I’m building a bike, not a space shuttle!” He groaned at the manual, which he claimed was “written in hieroglyphics,” and tossed aside the tiny wrench. “What is this, a toy? I need real tools!”
Larry attacked the bike with a power drill as if he were about to build a skyscraper. The handlebars went on crooked.
“Great, now I’ll steer straight into traffic!” He twisted them violently—SNAP! A piece flew off, nearly taking out a bird. “Perfect. Now it’s broken, and I’m still fat.”
Still, Larry pressed on, jamming parts together until the bike almost looked functional. He hopped on, pedaled once, twice, and then—CRUNCH! The entire thing collapsed under him, sending him sprawling in a mess of bolts, handlebars and shame.
Don’t be too hard on the person who always gripes—they’re making life hard enough on their own.
Larry Longsigh didn’t limit his complaints to the café or his driveway—his favorite spot to grumble was the neighborhood Christmas party. One year, he started strong. “Tinsel on the tree? Choking hazard,” he muttered, tugging at a strand. At the snack table, he eyed the eggnog. “Who drinks this? It’s liquid regret!”
But the real show came during the Secret Santa gift exchange. “Gift exchanges? Great, more junk,” Larry groaned. When his turn came, he opened a scarf. “A scarf? What am I supposed to do with this? Hang myself?”
In typical Larry fashion, he tied the scarf dramatically, pulling too hard and accidentally hooking himself on a nearby coat rack. His legs flailed as the room fell silent, then burst into laughter.
“This is exactly what I get for showing up,” Larry sighed, still dangling.
Give a griper plenty of rope, and they will hang themselves.
And so, we come full circle, back to the art of pointless moaning—gripe-ology at its finest.
In the end, though, constant complaining is a trap. Life keeps moving, whether you’re enjoying it or not. So, the real question is: will you spend it griping, or will you find a reason to smile?
Toby Moore is a columnist, the star of Emmy-nominated “A Separate Peace,” and the CEO of Cubestream Inc.
