By Toby Moore
For Capital Region Independent Media
I was conversing with a friend recently and we found ourselves in a back-and-forth about ego. She thought focusing too much on accomplishments could lead to a big ego and that ego, in general, was bad. No one likes a self-centered person.
But maybe not all egos are created equal. Maybe there’s such a thing as a “good ego” and a “bad ego,” or, in other words, a healthy ego versus an unhealthy one.
I gave her an example: We know some foods are good for us while others aren’t. Take sugar, for instance. Corn syrup, a highly processed sugar, can cause many health issues when we consume too much of it. But the natural sugars in fruits? Those come with fiber, vitamins and antioxidants. They’re better for us when eaten as nature intended.
Then there are healthy fats and unhealthy fats. Saturated and trans fats, found in things like fried foods and processed snacks, can raise cholesterol and clog arteries. But healthy fats—found in foods like avocados, nuts and olive oil—are essential for brain function and help keep our hearts healthy. So, while both types of fats might fall into the same category, they’re worlds apart regarding how they impact us.
I reasoned that the same goes for ego: both types may seem similar, but one can serve as a motivator, while the other may lead us toward self-centered behavior that disconnects us from others.
Psychologists have studied the differences between healthy and unhealthy egos. Dr. Heinz Kohut, a psychoanalyst and founder of self-psychology, spent much of his career researching how people develop self-worth and the role that a healthy sense of self—essentially, a balanced ego—plays in our lives. He suggested that a strong, healthy ego helps us stay grounded and confident without needing to be the center of attention.
Kohut saw this as a form of “healthy narcissism,” where self-respect and confidence help us be ambitious and resilient without becoming arrogant or overly self-focused.
“People need a firm sense of self,” Kohut argued, “but one that doesn’t come at the expense of empathy for others.”
On the other hand, Dr. W. Keith Campbell, a psychologist known for his research on narcissism and ego, warns about what he calls “ego inflation.” When someone’s sense of self becomes too inflated—think of the stereotypical “big ego”—it can lead to arrogance and isolation.
Campbell explains, “While a strong sense of self can be motivating, an inflated ego can push us to focus too much on success, competition and validation from others.”
When that happens, ego can overshadow values like compassion and humility.
So, what’s the difference between a healthy and unhealthy ego? A healthy ego encourages us to take pride in our achievements, to be strong when things go wrong, and to find motivation within. It’s like the “good fats” in our diets—necessary, in moderation, for a balanced life.
On the other hand, an unhealthy ego is like junk food; it might be tempting and even make us feel powerful temporarily, but it can leave us feeling unfulfilled and disconnected.
Another dimension to this is worth exploring, too—fear. I once read an article about engineers working to program fear into robots, which sounds strange at first. Isn’t fear supposed to be a bad thing? Living in constant fear isn’t healthy, but a certain amount of fear is necessary for survival. Fear keeps us from touching a hot stove, reminds us to look before we step, and makes us cautious when handling sharp objects. This same idea applies to ego—it’s possible that too much ego can cause problems, and a healthy amount can protect us.
I would argue that the goal is to cultivate a healthy ego—one that pushes us to achieve our best without making us lose sight of the bigger picture. Appreciate others’ contributions without feeling threatened. Like all things in life, it’s about finding the balance.
So, whether it’s our diet or our sense of self, it’s not about cutting things out entirely but finding what truly nourishes us. By nurturing a balanced, healthy ego, we can see the strength to pursue our goals, connect meaningfully with others, and ultimately lead happier, more fulfilling lives.
Toby Moore is a columnist, the star of Emmy-nominated “A Separate Peace,” and the CEO of Cubestream Inc.
