News from the Past in Memory of Harry A. Sturges

By Toby Moore

For Capital Region Independent Media

I waited tables for quite a while in my early acting days. It’s a common choice for actors because you can work at night. That leaves your days free for auditions and acting gigs.

Even after I landed a lead role in Showtime’s  “A Separate Peace,” a film produced by Oscar winners Dustin Hoffman and Michael Sugar and directed by Oscar nominee Peter Yates, I was back at the restaurant working shifts before and after filming.

It surprised a lot of folks. They thought a movie role meant you made it big, but acting jobs can be few and far between. Keeping a steady job, like waiting tables, helped me pay the bills.

Being a waiter is straightforward but challenging. You’re always on your feet, rushing around. Customers are only sometimes lovely; some can be downright rude or impatient. And when you’re juggling several tables, plus dealing with kitchen mix-ups, guess who customers blame? Yep, the waiter.

Waiting tables is a job packed with stress. There were days when it was written all over my face, days when anyone walking by the kitchen could hear me grumbling under my breath. I was short with the kitchen staff, snappy with my managers, and could have done better at keeping my cool.

Quitting crossed my mind more often than I’d like to admit. I fantasized about making a grand exit, throwing my apron down and shouting, “I QUIT!” for everyone to hear, then striding out the door with my head held high.

Then came the day my managers decided it was time for a chat. They understood that the job was stressful, but they also made it clear that stress comes with the territory in the restaurant world. They told me straight: no matter how tough things got, losing my cool wasn’t an option. I was expected to handle it all with a smile, no exceptions.

I remember thinking, “How am I supposed to keep smiling?” What if a customer yells at me for their steak being overcooked when they asked for it well-done? It seemed impossible at the time. How could I grin and bear it when things were so obviously not my fault, yet I had to act as if they were?

It didn’t matter. Showing annoyance and anger towards a customer, no matter how much they might deserve it, wasn’t an option. I was forced to choose.  

After many nights of soul-searching, tossing and turning, with thoughts racing through my head, I reached a decision. No matter what happened during my shifts, I had to keep smiling.

No matter how tempting it was to snap back, showing annoyance or anger towards a customer was off-limits. I had to make a choice, which was definitely challenging.

I found myself smiling at customers who sent back their meals because the soup was “too hot” or complained their ice cream was “too cold.” It seemed absurd, but as I kept my cool and flashed a smile — even when everything in me wanted to do the opposite — something unexpected began to happen. The stress that used to weigh me down started to lift.

As I made smiling a practice, I realized it wasn’t about giving in or pretending the stress didn’t exist; it was about choosing how I reacted to it.

I realized that my smile wasn’t just a courtesy, it was my shield, a powerful defense against the relentless negativity and chaos that threatened to engulf me. No matter how unreasonable the customers were, how baseless the complaints were or how chaotic the kitchen became, I found something interesting.

I found that smiling, keeping calm and not reacting to the negativity wasn’t me being a fake person. It was changing how I felt on the inside. I started to feel happy and soon enough I didn’t have to force it.

I also noticed that the customers found it hard to continue their negativity when confronted with unwavering positivity.

Next time you find yourself about to lose your cool, take a breath and force a smile. It might feel unnatural at first but give it a moment. That smile will start to work wonders, not just on those around you, but on you as well.

Toby Moore is a columnist, the star of Emmy-nominated “A Separate Peace,” and the CEO of Cubestream Inc.