Events: RCS Community Library

By Toby Moore

For Capital Region Independent Media

In the fabric of life, there is a thread we seldom dare to pull because it seems a little harsh. It’s an idea you’ve probably heard before from your parents, a teacher, or a motivational speaker. It’s not exactly a crowd-pleaser. Why? Well, it’s a bummer.

The late Jim Rohn once said, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

Consider your closest friends that you’ve journeyed through life with — those who walked alongside you through the halls of your school, who shared in the triumphs of winning the sports championship, and maybe even shared a room in college with you.

You’re alike in too many ways to count. It’s almost like your personalities have merged. You talk alike, you think alike, you dress alike, and you share a love for the same music. 

Maybe you thought that’s why you’re friends, because you’re into the same things. What if the opposite was true? What if you’re so much alike because, through the years, you’ve worn off on each other? Your personalities have merged.

That’s great when you’re close with people who believe in you, see your potential, and continually cheer you on. It’s not so great when the people around you can’t see past their limitations and they project their doubts and fears onto you.

When you’re friends with the wrong people, their skepticism starts to chip away at your dreams; their negativity becomes the soundtrack to your life.

It’s not just friends. Imagine you meet someone. You’re really into them, and you click over a few shared interests, like a love for a good drink or smoke. The sparks are flying, and everything’s brighter when you’re buzzed or high.

But then, after a while, you start to notice things aren’t moving along like they should. You have a sneaking suspicion that the booze or the smoke may hold you back; you decide to clean up your act.

You give it your best shot, going solo. But a couple of weeks in, you find your partner, still not on the sobriety train, partying it up in the next room. And, well, old habits die hard, don’t they?

Before you know it, you’re back in the game. You wake up and realize another year has slipped by. Every time you try to quit, your partner is always there, unintentionally luring you back in.

One day, you start discussing your future dreams — owning a successful business, becoming a top athlete, or making it big in art. You mention that you can’t do it unless you’re sober.

You ask your partner to join you in sobriety. But whenever you bring it up, it ends up in a fight. So, you let it go.

It’s not that they’re out to get you or trying to hold you back. It’s just that your relationship was built on drugs and alcohol, and you’re not headed in the same direction.

It’s like this:

Hang out with people who have addictions; you’ll pick up some bad habits.

If your friends don’t think dreams can come true, you’ll start feeling the same.

Spend time with folks who are bitter and hateful. You’ll likely end up grumpy, too.

Before you know it, you’ve got the same limitations they do.

Don’t believe me? Have you ever heard of Menstrual Synchrony? Some women claim that women’s periods start syncing when they spend a lot of time together.

And guess what? There’s evidence that guys can do a kind of “syncing up,” too. Studies have shown that men who live or work together can start to match up their daily routines, eating habits, sleep patterns, and even their moods.

Harvard social psychologist Dr. David McClelland says, “The people you hang out with most can determine up to 95% of your success or failure in life.”

If the dream in your heart is bigger than your environment, you’ve got to break free.

Swapping out familiar faces for fresh ones isn’t exactly a crowd-pleaser, but when you weigh it against shelving your dreams, suddenly changing your social scenery may not seem so bad.

Toby Moore is a columnist, the star of Emmy-nominated “A Separate Peace,” and the CEO of Cubestream Inc.