Get Walls You'll Fall For with GNH Lumber's Benjamin Moore selection.

Whittling Away: Things I Don’t Know

0
Share

By Dick Brooks

For Capital Region Independent Media

Headshot of a man named Dick Brooks.

I have finally reached the age where I now realize how little I know. 

The younger me was an expert in all sorts of things. I could carry on an intelligent conversation on almost any topic that might come up. I was up on all the latest fashions and trends, knew all the musicians and could sing along with almost any song that came on the radio. 

Now I will admit my ignorance in most current areas and find that I like it that way. In fact, I find myself going against many of the current trends, kind of a senior rebel without a cause. 

I won’t wear my pants so low that my underwear shows, in fact I wear suspenders to make sure that doesn’t happen.

Our comfortable home was built in 1840. There isn’t a sign of open concept anywhere. No master suite with a private spa-type bathroom, there’s not a granite countertop to be found. The upstairs bathroom was stylish for its time when we bought the house. I removed the chocolate brown sink, tub, toilet and bidet. The gold-plated faucets went away along with the Formica panels, and was replaced with wainscoting and plain white appliances, except for the bidet, which wasn’t replaced with anything since the only thing I ever used it for was scaring the cat. I like a bathroom that looks like a bathroom and not like a waiting room in a French house of ill repute. 

Our home is full of books, most of which are interesting or at least entertaining, but there are several that I’m going to weed out. Most of them I’ve read to no avail. The how-to books have for the most part done nothing to better my life or my limited fund of useful information. A lot of them are entitled, “The Idiot’s Guide to—.”  I’m a sucker for them; they all deal with topics I know little or nothing about but think I should, so I buy them. 

I’m looking for a copy of “The Idiot’s Guide to Useless Books.” That one might be worth the money. 

I have “The Idiot’s Guide to Electricity,” thinking it might help me learn how to install an outlet or rewire a lamp. I read it from cover to cover, got inspired, and even went and took a course in solving home electrical problems at our community college. The most important thing I learned about electricity was that it lives in the wall and can kill you or burn your house down. You should call the local electrical shaman who knows how to appease the electrical demon and keep it in the wall and happy. 

“The Idiot’s Guide to Plumbing” helped me flood the basement and learn that there are also plumbing experts available at a reasonable price. 

“The Idiot’s Guide to Computers” failed me also. I still have an unreasonable fear every time I use mine that somehow I’m going to accidentally hack into the Pentagon’s main frame and start a worldwide conflict. 

Lastly, I will admit publicly that I’m not as smart as my phone. I know how to make a phone call on the thing, but nobody ever uses it to call anybody like they did back in the past when phones weren’t mobile and had dials. I solved the problem of phone usage by having had the wisdom to have married my Queen, who understands the darn thing and is patient enough to help me deal with it. 

Aging does improve your coping skills, if nothing else.

Thought for the week — “Our happiness depends as much on our temperaments as on our luck.” ~ La Rochefoucauld

Until next week, may you and yours be happy and well.

Reach columnist Dick Brooks at Whittle12124@yahoo.com.

Related Posts