By Dick Brooks
For Capital Region Independent Media
This morning I decided it was time for my yearly checkup.
Oh, I don’t mean a medical checkup or anything formal, it’s just something I try to do once a year or so. I’d recommend it just to keep in touch with yourself.
It involves a strong stomach and an open mind. It’s an easy procedure, just find a full-length mirror and stand in front of it and take a good look. Not a “Is my hair sticking up?” or “Do I have something green stuck in my teeth?” kind of look. Nope! This is a “Do I know that person” look.
Not too bad! It’s still hard to think of myself as that pleasant-looking older man with the receding hairline and advancing waistline, but all in all, not bad. A little less hair than last time, at least in the places where hair would be welcome, but that’s been going on for some time now. It seems to be sprouting in places where it shouldn’t be, though.
Eyebrows, for instance, seem to be thicker and heavier. Since I want to be Andy Rooney when I grow up, this isn’t a problem. I kind of like the look, maybe I’ll rub them with Miracle Grow to speed up the process.
I seem to be rusting — brown spots are appearing with greater regularity on my face and hands, hopefully they’ll someday merge and I’ll look like I have a great tan. My skin doesn’t fit as well as it used to either, a little saggy in spots and a little baggy in others. I wonder if ironing would help?
I’m a little shorter than I remember and my posture isn’t what it should be. I can hear Mrs. Smith, my 5th-grade teacher, saying, “Posture, Richard, posture!” Bless her, wherever she may be, she tried.
I need to lose a little weight. No, I need to lose a lot of weight. The last T-shirt I bought had more Xs in it than a computer porn site. Your waist shouldn’t be bigger than your inseam, should it? I’ll have to work on this sometime soon.
Some things are still good. I like the laugh lines. They’re a little deeper but I like the way they look. The eyes are still a nice blue and now they work well. I had cataracts removed a while back and it certainly brightened up the world. Thanks, Dr. Lynch-Guyette!
Of all the medical procedures I’ve ever had, the cataract surgery was certainly the easiest. It’s so nice to see how bright the world is once again. There are risks involved in any surgery, but the results are certainly worth taking those risks.
It wasn’t that long ago, as time is measured, that a diagnosis of cataracts meant blindness. Thanks to this young lady and her skill, I’ve hopefully got a long time left to look at this wonderful world. There was no pain, it didn’t take long, and they even gave me juice and a cookie, how good is that? Now I’m looking at myself in the mirror and I can see myself clearly — guess there are some drawbacks after all.
Well, that’s about all the self-analysis I can take for this year. All in all, not bad. It’s hard to face reality sometimes but it has to be done occasionally.
I know mirrors don’t lie but I also know that they can distort the truth. I’ve seen those mirrors at amusement parks that can make you look taller or fatter. I’d like one that could make you look younger.
Nah! I don’t really need one, I have a mental image of myself — slim, not follically challenged, before gravity won, and that mental image can be superimposed on top of any of the mirrors I look into casually for the next year or until the next time I need to do a check-up of my progress down life’s rocky path.
Goodbye, Old Man — old friend — see you next year.
Thought for the week — The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
Until next week, may you and yours be happy and well.
Reach columnist Dick Brooks at Whittle12124@yahoo.com.